Tuesday, 29 October 2019

Last Call for the Flying Visit

Ok, it's been a while, let's have one last plug.




We're down to the last EVER five shows of John Finnemore's Flying Visit!

We've had an absolutely fantastic time, so we might well do another tour in the future, but if so it won't be this show; so this is the last chance to find out what on earth we're about to do with those Sainsbury's bags and gardening gloves...

So, come along... TONIGHT, at the Leas Cliff Theatre, Folkestone. 

Or, on the 3rd November at Spa Grand Hall, Scarborough.
Or maybe the 4th November, at the Octagon, Sheffield (this one might sell out soon)
Or would you prefer the 5th November, at the Playhouse, Weston Super Mare.

Or, failing all those, our extra date on the 1st December, at the Bloomsbury Theatre, London. 

Or why not go to all five? I mean, you'd have to be a lunatic, but apart from that, why not? 


Sunday, 27 October 2019

I also have an excellent idea for a round thing to go under cars.

Yesterday, I was messing around on a piano (at which I'm very bad indeed), trying to work out how to do the fingering on Susannah Pearse's and my version of Pachelbel's Canon. Eventually, after a lot of painstaking trial and error, I found that it seemed to help with the doobie doobies if I tried to always play D with my thumb. Indeed, so helpful was this little trick of mine that I thought I'd leave a note for myself on the top of the score, for next time I tried it. So, I went and found a pencil, and prepared to write down my important discovery. Just under the title. Which is... 'Canon in D'.

Ah. So THAT's what that means.

Wednesday, 23 October 2019

Millionaire Lifestyle



I have since been informed that a thing is not technically enrobed in chocolate if it is not entirely covered.  I'm glad I didn't know that when I wrote this. Because 'enrobed' is a funny word.

Saturday, 12 October 2019

Quasimodo


Originally, I played Quasimodo and Simon played Victor. I don't know why it worked so much better this way round, but it really did.

Wednesday, 25 September 2019

Oh bother.

Thing that unexpectedly made me laugh out loud: Christopher (Robin) Milne's description of his father Alan (A.A.) Milne's clumsy table manners, from his memoir 'The Enchanted Places':

'It was generally agreed within the family that my father couldn't eat a pear without getting his elbows wet, and that after a honey sandwich he had to have a bath.'


A.A.Milne, for once triumphantly dry of elbow. Portrait by 'Spy' (Leslie Ward)



Monday, 23 September 2019

Slightly Off



I still don't know what the truth behind this sketch is, by the way. A little bit of research shows that some of the characters are vinyl decals, and some of them are indeed hand-painted. But I still don't know why they're slightly off (the decals, at least, you'd think would be accurate), or why they don't get shut down for copyright infringement, or why that ice-cream in a bowl with cherries all over it - which looks like it was drawn in maybe the 1950s - still pops up on, for instance, this van I saw the day before yesterday.


Bonus points for fadedness, and presence of Donald Duck's nephews, though minus one point because Stanley absent-mindedly included all three.

Wednesday, 11 September 2019

Spiny Porcupine


I write the lyrics to the songs in Souvenir Programme, and the amazing Susannah Pearse writes the music. Unfortunately, both of us prefer to go second - that is, I like writing to existing music, and she likes setting existing words. So, when she wins, I often write the lyrics to the tune of an existing song, without telling Sue which one. Then, once I hear her music, I rewrite the lyrics to fit them better. So, for instance, 'Captain Dinosaur' started out life to the tune of 'Mine Eyes Have Seen The Glory of the Coming of The Lord'... and 'Spiny Porcupine' was originally written to Jake Thackray's 'Sister Josephine'.

-----

We're on tour! I know you know this by now, but just in case. We've done three dates so far, we're having a fantastic time... and we still have twenty-three to go. Come and see us! Dates and ticket links here. 

Tuesday, 27 August 2019

New Friend


It's not often that a sketch comes directly from something I see, but this one did. I saw a guy ahead of me get pulled out of a queue at the airport- and the sniffer dog who found him was in a tail-wagging frenzy of joy. And that was the first time it had ever occurred to me to wonder what the dog thought he and his master were doing...

Friday, 23 August 2019

Horsebox


"Not entirely horseless, by the sound of it..."

Tuesday, 20 August 2019

Special Offer



(I may do more of there. On the other hand, I may start with good intentions, but then quickly run out of steam, and stop after only a handful. It's impossible to say. But I know which way I'd bet.)

Thursday, 15 August 2019

Very few camels about today. Precious few mice, come to that.

Photo credit: Mary Lee Agnew

Here is a poem by Kahlil Gibran:
A fox looked at his shadow at sunrise and said, "I will have a camel for lunch today." And all morning he went about looking for camels. But at noon he saw his shadow again - and he said, "A mouse will do."

A writer looked at his word count at sunrise...

Still, if you also had a mouse day today, take heart. Here's Ralph Waldo Emerson to cheer us up:

We do not know whether we are busy or idle. In times when we thought ourselves indolent, we have afterwards discovered, that much was accomplished, and much was begun in us. All our days are so unprofitable while they pass, that 'tis wonderful where or when we ever got anything of this which we call wisdom, poetry, virtue. We never got it on any dated calendar day. Some heavenly days must have been intercalated somewhere.

Thanks, Ralph! And nice use of 'intercalated'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm on tour from September to November! Venues and ticket links here.


Tuesday, 13 August 2019

What did the crab DO?



Leaning on the wall waiting for a hand out
Ludlow's dog, yesterday.
Some of my favourite Victorian era Cornish Proverbs and Phrases, as recorded by Joseph Thomas, 'late of St. Michael's Mount, Marazion', in 1895.

Gaping like a duck against thunder.
Scrumped up like a hedgehog
All one side, like a crab going to gaol.
Always head and chief, like Jimmy Eellis 'mong the cats.
Worse than dirty butter and bally-ack
All on one side, like Smoothy's wedding.

And my absolute favourite:

Like Ludlow's dog - leaning against the wall to bark

('Bally-ack', by the way, is an ache in the belly. Not where you were thinking. )

Thursday, 1 August 2019

John Finnemore's Flying Visit

Aylesbury_1080x1080.png



If you've managed to find your way to see this, despite the fact that I've temporarily redirected johnfinnemore.com to go to a page of dates and ticket links for my UK tour in the Autumn, then you almost certainly already know that from September to November, I'm going on tour with the cast of Souvenir Programme. But in case you don't... I am!

It'll be mostly the same show as the one we did last year, which is why we've kept the title the same, and why we're not going back to any of the same venues. We will be swapping in some different sketches, though. I'd say not enough to encourage you to come again if you saw it last time... but enough not to actively discourage you. Which is just as well, because my producer turns out to have some quite strongly-held opinions about me actively discouraging people from coming.

If we're not coming to your town, my apologies. It will probably be for one of the following reasons:

1) It's too far away to be affordable to travel to, with a cast of five, a crew of three, and some very silly props.
2) There isn't a venue in the right size range for us.
3) There is, but they didn't have an available date.
4) There is, and they did... but they didn't want our show.
5) Margaret has been banned from your town because of something she did in what she calls her 'wild years' (2004-the present day)

For most places in the UK, it's most likely to be either 2, 3, or, of course 5. So many 5s...




Saturday, 27 July 2019

Twenty-Four Things - Thing Seventeen


Wednesday, 24 July 2019

A Likely Story.


This is Evelyn Cheesman. She was a British entomologist, collector and traveller, who was the first female curator at London Zoo, and collected around 70,000 specimens for the Natural History Museum from across the South Pacific, during a lifetime of long solo expeditions, the last of which she made at the age of 73. If you want to read more about her - and really, at this point, how could you not? - here's a good place to start.

Anyway, in one of her many books about her adventures, 'Time Well Spent', she talks about the types of knowledge that indigenous people were prepared to accept from a foreigner and a woman, and that which they were not. To summarise, she says they were prepared to accept facts about things they'd never seen before - cameras, for instance - but not about things familiar to them.

"I am thinking now of the people on Malekula, New Hebrides, who did not know that a caterpillar changed into a butterfly. That new idea was too much to swallow from a stranger. One serious old man made a speech purporting to assure me that, even if this irregular sort of thing took place in my country, I need not expect it to occur on their island."

Friday, 3 May 2019

Flying Visit Flies Again!

Pavlov's dogs have been notified, and are in training. 

Hello! Remember last year, when I and my fellow idiots from Souvenir Programme went on tour? Well, we had a lovely time and we miss it... so we're doing more dates this autumn!

It's the same show - well, nearly - as last time, hence the same title and poster... but all new venues.

And what are those venues, and also the dates, and do you have ticket links by any chance? Well, I've very glad I pretended you asked me that, because I have all those things, and here they are!

Sat 7 September   Tyne Theatre & Opera House, Newcastle
Sun 8 September   City Varieties Music Hall, Leeds
Mon 9 September   Royal Concert Hall, Nottingham
Thurs 12 September  Parr Hall, Warrington
Fri 13 September   The Lowry, Salford Quays
Sun 15 September   Queen's Theatre, Barnstaple
Mon 16 September   The Lighthouse, Poole
Fri 20 September   The Forum, Malvern
Mon 23 September   Waterside Theatre, Aylesbury
Thurs 26 September   Brangwyn Hall, Swansea
Sat 28 September   Charter Hall, Colchester
Thurs 3 October   Marina Theatre, Lowestoft
Sun 6 October           Tivoli Theatre, Aberdeen
Tues 8 October   Palace Theatre, Westcliff-On-Sea
Thurs 10 October   Beck Theatre, Hayes
Fri 11 October           G Live, Guildford
Mon 14 October   The Lyceum Theatre, Crewe
Tues 15 October   Playhouse, Whitley Bay
Weds 16 October   Harrogate Theatre, Harrogate
Sun 20 October   The Hexagon, Reading
Tues 29 October   Leas Cliff Hall, Folkstone
Sun 3 November   The Grand Hall at Scarborough Spa, Scarborough
Mon 4 November   The Octagon, Sheffield

Cor. That'll keep us busy. So, if you'll be in any of those places then, or if you could be with a bit of organisation, come along! There will be red trousers, forgetful goldfish, kirates, brand new stuff... and an exclusive Patsy Straightwoman interview with Arthur Shappey. Hooray!

Saturday, 6 April 2019

Emu's Difficult Second Album

Just in case you enjoy fairly difficult crosswords: I have written a fairly difficult crossword. It's the Listener puzzle on page 54 of the Saturday Review section in today's Times.

It's also available in printable form from the Times Online site, but behind a paywall.

Lastly, it looks very much like this:


If you're new to the Listener, it's slightly different to a normal cryptic crossword, in ways I explain in a bit more detail in the post I wrote last time I had one published, here. 



Friday, 15 March 2019

The Spiegelhalter Gap.


In 1923, after the success of Selfridge's and Harrod's department stores in central London, a Mr Wickham decided to build his own on the Mile End Road, in the East End. Accordingly, he engaged an architect to design him something suitably imposing, with neo-classical columns and a clock-tower and so on, and bought up all the shops in the location he had his eye on.

Except one. Mr Spiegelhalter, the jeweller at number 81, couldn't be persuaded to sell up. Mr Wickham couldn't force him to... but he also had no other location in mind, and had already bought many of the other shops. And so, when Wickham's Department Store finally opened, it looked like this:



Both buildings - or is it all three buildings? - are still standing today (Spiegelhalter's, by the way, outlasted Wickham's as a business by a good twenty years). However, they are currently being renovated into a swish new development complex called 'Dept W'. In an odd case of history repeating itself (and a less odd case of developers not understanding the value what they have) the developers intended to knock down Spiegelhalter's, and turn it into an entrance way. But after the sort of local protests and campaigning that would almost make me proud to be British, if anything could this month, they have been persuaded to keep it. The new building will now look like this:




Long live the Spiegelhalter Gap.




Tuesday, 12 March 2019

"You have been in Afghanistan, nhi-ka"

Wonderfully, the Tariana language of the Amazon has different grammatical tenses that indicate where you got the evidence for what you are saying: Whether you saw it, detected it non-visually, were told about it, inferred it... or assumed it. 

So, according to the fieldwork of the linguist Alexandra Aikhenvald, here are five ways to report on the culinary activities of your father's younger brother:


Nu-nami karaka di-merita-naka
My younger uncle is frying chicken' (I (the speaker) see him)

Nu-nami karaka di-merita-mha
'My younger uncle is frying chicken' (I smell the fried chicken, but cannot see this)

Nu-nami karaka di-merita-pida-ka
'My younger uncle has fried chicken' (I was told recently)

Nu-nami karaka di-merita-nhi-ka
'My younger uncle has fried chicken' (I see bits of grease stuck on his hands and he smells of fried chicken)

And my favourite:

Nu-nami karaka di-merita-si-ka
'My younger uncle has fried chicken' (I assume so: he gets so much money he can afford it, and he looks like he has had a nice meal)

Image result for harland sanders
My younger uncle.
Aikhenvald goes on to say that Tariana speakers use the second of these tenses when reporting their dreams, since they did not really 'see' them. Unless... they belong to the highest caste of shaman, known as yawi, whose dreams are taken to be true. (Yawi are also believed to be capable of turning themselves into jaguars. So I suppose I can see why you'd let them tell you their boring dreams.)

Wednesday, 6 March 2019

Charles Darwin menaces an iguana.

Picture Charles Darwin conducting his research on his world-changing expedition to the Galapagos islands. Do you imagine him serious and scholarly, or youthful and enthusiastic? I bet what you do not picture him doing is spending an afternoon repeatedly throwing an iguana into the sea in the name of science. The same iguana.

A marine iguana, for once not being bullied by Charles Darwin.

He did, though. From his Journal of the Voyage of the Beagle:


It's an arresting mental image, isn't it? I would love to know how many times 'several' is. Surely at least six. Nor had Charlie finished playing tricks on lizards:


I hope these two iguanas were related. 'You'll never guess what happened to me today!' 'Wait, wait, me first...'


Tuesday, 12 February 2019

Fieldwork



Some names recorded for fields in England, with explanations.

Eight Day Math - meadow requiring eight days to mow.
Pasty Crust - field with brittle soil.
Handkerchief - small field
Seldom Seen - remote field
Australia - ditto
Happersnapper - 'enclosure with a wicket gate'
The Psalms - 'land on which the psalms were recited during the bound-beating ceremony'
Rumps and Buttocks - 'alluding to convex configurations'

And a selection from my favourite category: 'Derogatory names for unprofitable or unfertile fields.'

Famish Acre
No Man's Friend
Labour in Vain
Purgatory
Raw Bones
Rats' Castle
Bare Arse
Thin Porridge
Terrible

All these from the excellent dictionary 'English Field-Names', by- in a piece of extraordinarily on-the-nose nominal determinism- John Field.


Monday, 14 January 2019

Twenty-Four Things - Thing Sixteen



He seems nice. 


Sunday, 6 January 2019

Signing off

I was wondering why British convention is to end a letter to someone whose name you don't know - i.e. one that starts 'Dear Sir or Madam,' - with 'Yours faithfully'. How can you be faithful to someone you've never met?

Well, it turns out to be a contraction of what was for centuries the standard valediction to letters, some version of:

'Believe me to have the honour to remain your faithful and obedient servant'

Sometimes, between friends, it got shortened to something like this, from John Wilkes:

Also, I believe it was considered good style to try to end your letter in a way that made your name the object of the last sentence. Here's Lord Chesterfield having a bit of fun with it:



But how did they end letters to people to whom they didn't feel in the least faithful, humble or servile? Well, generally, they just said it anyway, because it was meaningless boilerplate. I gather there's a song in Hamilton about that (No, I haven't seen Hamilton yet. Yes, I know I should). 

But not always. Here's Richard Savage in 1735, writing to a member of the Irish nobility of whom he is... not a fan. 







Friday, 4 January 2019

John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme News




Hello! I should probably have said this before, but Radio 4 are currently repeating Series 6 of JFSP at half past six on Thursday evenings, which means you can listen to them again on iPlayer here, at least for a bit.

But perhaps you don't want to listen to sketches from 2016. Perhaps only brand new sketches written in 2019 will satisfy you. In which case... lucky old you, because I'm delighted to say that Series 8 will be broadcast in the spring.

But perhaps you can't wait till then, or perhaps you want to see if the cast's silly voices come out of equally silly faces (Spoiler: Yes. Yes, they do.) In which case.... luckier still old you, because the random ballot for tickets to the recordings in Broadcasting House is now open (though only for the first date so far) and you can apply here.

But perhaps you don't like leaving things up to random ballot; or perhaps you only like seeing sketches that were written earlier that very same afternoon, performed by actors who read them for the first time 45 minutes ago. At most. In which case... luckiest of all old yous, because the cast and I are doing semi-secret try-outs of brand new material at the Cockpit Theatre in Marylebone, and tickets are available here.

But perhaps you couldn't care less about my sketches; or perhaps you could, but are annoyed that two of these four things are happening in London, where I live; instead of where you live, where you live. In which case... truly you are the unluckiest of old yous. In recompense for your distress, please accept this silly doodle of a castle.


Wednesday, 2 January 2019

Knowing your limits.

Happy New Year!



This is Adlai Stevenson, the American Democratic politician and two-time unsuccessful presidential candidate upon whom Peter Sellers partially based his performance as President Muffley in Dr. Strangelove.



In 1949, when Stevenson was Governor of Illinois, a bill was proposed in that state to restrict the movement of domestic cats, in order to protect rare songbirds. Stevenson vetoed the bill, with this judgement:



"I cannot agree that it should be the declared public policy of Illinois that a cat visiting a neighbor’s yard or crossing the highways is a public nuisance. It is in the nature of cats to do a certain amount of unescorted roaming. Many live with their owners in apartments or other restricted premises, and I doubt if we want to make their every brief foray an opportunity for a small game hunt by zealous citizens—with traps or otherwise.

We are all interested in protecting certain varieties of birds. That cats destroy some birds, I well know, but I believe this legislation would further but little the worthy cause to which its proponents give such unselfish effort. The problem of cat versus bird is as old as time. If we attempt to resolve it by legislation who knows but what we may be called upon to take sides as well in the age old problems of dog versus cat, bird versus bird, or even bird versus worm. In my opinion, the State of Illinois and its local governing bodies already have enough to do without trying to control feline delinquency."


I wish he'd won.



(Bonus Stevenson fact: when he was considering whether to run for President a third time, the Russians approached him secretly and offered him assistance. He told the ambassador who made the approach that he considered it "highly improper, indiscreet and dangerous to all concerned", and promptly reported it to the sitting President, his political enemy. I mean, obviously that's what anyone would do. I don't know why I even mention it. )


Wednesday, 14 November 2018

Victor Hugo gets his author photo taken.


"Oh, yes, Victor, very nice! Very intense. Like it. Great. Ok, shall we try another pose?"


"...Yep. Yep, that's good too. Ok, I think we've got some terrific options for that look. Tell you what, let's try one without your hand on your face. How about that?"



"......Ok. Yep, ok, that was my fault. I left you a loophole there, didn't I Vic? Fair enough. So! Now let's try one without your hand on your head AT ALL."


"...I'm not an idiot, Victor. [...] YES, that counts as 'on'! [...] Of course it does, it... Look. We're both tired. Let's take a break, shall we, for a few days. Or years, or... decades, even, and then come at it fresh."


"...........Seriously?"


"Fine. Very nice, Victor. Very intense. We'll use that one."



"Yeah. And the same to you."



Monday, 13 August 2018

Also, you don't have to do ears.

Here's something I didn't know: silhouettes were, as you might not be surprised to learn, named after a Monsieur Silhouette. But, as you might be surprised to learn, he didn't invent them. √Čtienne de Silhouette was an unpopular French finance minister in the 18th Century who imposed austerity measures so fierce that to do something '√† la Silhouette' became slang for to do it on the cheap. And having your silhouette cut or drawn was a lot cheaper then having a miniature painted...

I was going to illustrate this with a picture of a silhouette which is thought to be a self-portrait by Jane Austen. But unfortunately, I looked into it, and it turns out there's another, more persuasive theory which is: no it's not. So instead, here's a couple of mine. It turns out silhouettes are a good way of doing quick sketches of people sat next to you at the British Library, because it only takes a few crafty sideways glances now and then, and then the rest is just colouring in.



No, neither are self-portraits.

Friday, 30 March 2018

John Finnemore's Flying Visit.

17th May - Brighton - Brighton Dome
18th May - High Wycombe - Wycombe Swan
20th May - Hastings - White Rock Theatre
21st May - Preston - Guild Hall 
22nd May - York - Grand Opera House
26th May - Cheltenham - Cheltenham Town Hall
30th May - Birmingham - New Alexandra Theatre
3rd June - Richmond - Richmond Theatre SOLD OUT
3rd June - Richmond Extra Matinee Date
6th June - Swindon - Wyvern Theatre
7th June - Leamington Spa - Royal Spa Centre
8th June - Tunbridge Wells - Assembly Hall Theatre
10th June - Dorking - Dorking Halls
13th June - Basingstoke - Basingstoke Anvil
15th June - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall SOLD OUT




Update: Hooray, Richmond sold out, so we're putting in an extra Matinee there! Be warned - and I promise this isn't just hype - several of the other dates are almost sold out too.

Update to the update: Edinburgh's sold out now, too. I think Leamington and possibly Basingstoke will do soon as well, in case that's useful to know.

Saturday, 17 March 2018

Entente Cordiale

Today, it is my job to take a brass tin of sweets to a group of crossword setters in Paris. Just as my careers advisor predicted. He was very good at his job.


Here is a small and silly puzzle I made for the occasion, presented in the form of a square of chocolate, a tube of Love Hearts, and three M&Ms. The solution is in the first comment.






Friday, 9 March 2018

John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme - Complete Sketch List

Ok, first of all, here are the ticket links for my tour again, just to keep them at the top of this site. There are still tickets left for all dates at the moment, though not all that many for some.

17th May - Brighton - Brighton Dome
18th May - High Wycombe - Wycombe Swan
20th May - Hastings - White Rock Theatre
21st May - Preston - Guild Hall 
22nd May - York - Grand Opera House
26th May - Cheltenham - Cheltenham Town Hall
30th May - Birmingham - New Alexandra Theatre
3rd June - Richmond - Richmond Theatre
6th June - Swindon - Wyvern Theatre
7th June - Leamington Spa - Royal Spa Centre
8th June - Tunbridge Wells - Assembly Hall Theatre
10th June - Dorking - Dorking Halls
13th June - Basingstoke - Basingstoke Anvil
15th June - Edinburgh - The Queen's Hall

Thank you very much to everyone who's suggested sketches they'd like to see on stage - it's really useful.  But I realised if a sketch got a few nominations, I couldn't tell whether it was genuinely popular, or whether it was just that the first mention reminded other people it existed. So... in an attempt to create a level playing field, here's something I've been meaning to do for a while anyway: a big old list of every sketch in all seven series of Souvenir Programme.

These aren't always the original titles - I've tried to make them recognisable, and where they still aren't, I've put a key word or phrase in brackets. Do carry on leaving nominations in the comments!


SERIES ONE



Episode One

Mr Frint - No Job Too Big
Three Guards (Tiger with a gun)
Interview Sketch - Before You're Thirty (Be kind, have fun)
To Re-record Your Message
Pooh's Indebevention
I Speak As I Find
The Noise of the Tardis
Jamaica Quickie
Since You Ask Me - Ghost Story (Jacket pocket jacket pocket)

Episode Two

Three Little Pigs
Cat-Nav I
The Interview Sketch - Evolutionist (Hummingbirds)
Voltaire
Cat-Nav II
Song - Ballad 404 ('Where have they gone...')
The Archers Accidentally I ('...if it turns out I own this pub')
Hunger Quickie
Cat-Nav III
Since You Ask Me - Family Curse (Wim-Bim-King-Sim-Sham)

Episode Three

After the Exam (Sealion in a little hat)
Snow Leopards I
Little Trophy
Drunken Sailor Court Martial
Snow Leopards II
National Debate
Jekyll and Hyde
I Thought So (Over-analytical)
Snow Leopards III
Since You Ask Me - Murder Mystery (Turbot Bacardi)

Episode Four

Reme
The Seance
Song - Zoo Song I - Meerkats
Old Spies (Thompson Pulse)
Pampering (Pat me dry with a little baby duckling)
Song - Zoo Song II - Penguins
The Emperor's New Clothes
Song - Zoo Song III - Gnus
Since You Ask Me - Treasure Island (Polly wants a bison)

Episode Five (Edinburgh Special)

The Silent Majority I - Speed Cameras, Language
The Quest
The Grasshopper and the Ants
The Interview Sketch - Athlete (Fastest tricyclist in the world)
Architect Briefing
Civil War (Cat people and dog people)
Cheer Up
Since You Ask Me - Edinburgh (Thumb-snatchers)

SERIES TWO



Episode One

Not Violent
Audioguide for 5-Year-Olds 1
Sun and Moon
Good News Quickie
Wisdom of Solomon
Audioguide II
Stoppable- The Tram Story
Ugly Duck
The Negotiation ('...I thought we paid you?')
Your Decision (Patrick or Trevor)
Audioguide III
Since You Ask Me - Train Adventure ('You are Uncles by trade?')

Episode Two

Cuckoos
Call Us Now I - Cold
The Archers Accidentally II ('One of the men who aways sound tired')
Romantic Gestures
Call Us Now II - Bored at work
New Supervisor
Song - My Dog Doesn't Know He's Ugly
Difficult Second Theorem
Mr. Frint - Your New Cinema
The Interview Sketch - Actor (Bumper-Offer)
Call Us Now III - Movies
Since You Ask Me - Christmas (Rufus the magic lion)

Episode Three

Lisa and K
Gone Funny On Me - Churchill
Don't Shoot the Messenger ('We've got out of sync')
Nobody Knows I
Vulture Interview
Gone Funny On Me - Kennedy
Making Money
Nobody Knows II
Criss Cross
Gone Funny On Me - Juliet
Since You Ask Me - Ghost Story (Eagling)

Episode Four

Blind Horse ('I can't tell you your job is safe')
Interesting Theory - Macbeth
Sitcom Character I - Standing Right Behind Me
Security Code
Queen's Knight
Song - Insomnia
Sitcom Character II - Donkey Rides
Interesting Theory - Maths
The Goldfish and King Neptune
Since You Ask Me - Walpurgisnacht
Sitcom Character Coda

Episode Five

Moths
Supermongers I
Mr. Frint - Awesome
Famous Five Reunion
Supermongers II
Prawn Casserole (Elbow room)
Elephantine Castle
I Don't Take No For An Answer
Supermongers III
Southend Pier
Since You Ask Me - Fisherman's Cottage

Episode Six

Silent Majority - Language
Crufts
Spoilers I
Herod's Strategy
Quizzer
Spoilers II
New Police Powers
Silent Majority - Recycling
Pair Up ('Find someone of the opposite height')
Spoilers III
Silent Majority - Immigration
Song - Captain Dinosaur
Since You Ask Me - Credits

SERIES THREE



Episode One

Campaign For Real Pub Chat
Sponsored Holiday
Caller ID
Towels ('Towels on the bed mean Sleepy Towels')
Mr Frint - Iconic
Hearing Test ('Don't press the button')
Two Man Show
Song - Spiny Porcupine
Help Quickie
Mr Frint - Vibrant
Rat Sanctuary
Will The Train Manager Contact The Driver
Mr Frint - Literally
Afternoon Drama - Lucy's Complex Dilemma

Episode Two

Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out
New Friend (Sniffer dog)
The Gilgamesh Experiment I (F. Ronald Huggerman)
A History of Choice
House Sitter
The Gilgamesh Experiment II
Flow Chart
The Interview Sketch - Ice Cream Van Painter
Voice In My Head - Grande
The Gilgamesh Experiment III
Since You Ask Me - Typhoon

Episode Three

Painting The Sun
RNLI Interview
Reunited
Gangsters
Inner Toddler - Squash
Song - Carmela Vitale
Attention Citizens
Roman Baths
Saul's New Name
Normal Man
What's What (Pandas have rejoined the bears)
Inner Toddler - My Cup
Unspoiled (Korea)
Family Reunion ('Great-great-great-great-great-grandfather!')

Episode Four

Goats and Daffodils
Archers Accidentally III ('The rhythmic thumping of the wooden objects')
Fairy Shop I
Entering Troy
Interview Sketch - Art Historian ('Too many tentacles on the giant squid?')
Dealing With Bullies
Sheriff of Nottingham
Fairy Shop II
Life Class (Too rude)
No Further Questions

Episode Five

Horse Box
Anecdotes - Rubinstein
The Bagsie Tribunal
Comedian Interview
Anecdotes - Churchill
Your Belongings
3D Printer
Anecdotes - Parker
Hibernomnia
Gunpowder Plot
Anecdotes - Wilde
Since You Ask Me - Noir (Alabaster Tortoise)

Episode Six

Stamp Collector
Niceness Tourette's
The Interview Sketch - Accountant Creatif
Basking Sharks I
Specimens
Heaven's Gate (No chocolate in heaven)
Expert Witness
Basking Sharks II
Go East
Matter of Taste (Olives and bananas)
Song - Red Trousers


SERIES FOUR



Episode One

Teaching Aid
Bodyguards I
Live to Tell the Tale ('Threw me back')
World Championships of Snap
Bodyguards II
Song - Three Monkeys
Voting
Sisyphus
Pound Shop
Bodyguards III
Since You Ask Me - Duel

Episode Two

Turning Round a Tanker
Positive Racist
Apology to Belgium
Hotel Check-In (Not a problem)
Watch Advert
Quasimodo
Three Legged Dog
Since You Ask Me - Mysterious Trapdoor
Song - Anthem Pour Les Belges
Apology to Belgium II

Episode Three

Wedding Invite
Negotiating With Genghis I
Sun Gods
Poetry Please
Negotiating With Genghis II
What Did You Think? (Film review)
'Serious' Quickie
Very Special Chair
Negotiating With Genghis III
Since You Ask Me - Tortoise Ranch

Episode Four

Ding Ding Good Morning Sir I
Assembly Speech
Skittles
Ding Ding Good Morning Sir II
Interview Sketch - MP
Ding Ding Good Morning Sir III
Song - My Baby Don't Care
Thomas' New Driver
Ding Ding Good Morning Sir IV
Taxidermist
Since You Ask Me - Love Story

Episode Five

Store Detective I (Casterbridge and Snowman)
Action Stations
The Artefact (Museum of human folly)
Store Detective II
Tombstone Engraver
Store Detective III
Camouflage Seminar
Store Detective IV
Russian Revolution by Email
Since You Ask Me - Quickie

Episode Six

Sooty's a Bear
Whale Translator
Farenheit and Celsius
Handbag
Little Green Men
Song - The Fifth of February
Does Anyone Want Anything?
Tesco Metro
Since You Ask Me - Twisted Science (Dr Kroopenstein)


SERIES FIVE



Episode One

The Capital of Spain
School Slogan
Magic Mirror
Ban Cancer
Song - Even Bluesmen Get the Pinks
PhD Proposal Quickie
Mulligan's Bank
Richard of York
Since You Ask Me - Crossing the Atlantic (Mr. Floofywhiskers)

Episode Two

She Sells Sea Shells
Voice in My Head - Tip Jar
News Coverage
Painting Advice
Chocolate Geek
Heroes of the Titanic
Pavlov's Dogs
Wrong Friend
Since You Ask Me - Spies (A mole in the Zoo)

Episode Three

Dog That Looks Most Like Its Owner
A Friend in Need
Kirates
Interview Sketch - Politician ('Sorriness is being experienced')
Song - Procrastination
Retirement Do (Barbed wire story)
Overrated Moon
Hunter Gatherers
Since You Ask Me - Limericks

Episode Four

Word to the Wise ('His penny whistle is not worth fourpence')
Talking to Strangers I - Tall
Tattoo
Sports Day (Sodom and Gomorrah)
Talking to Strangers II - Famous
Papal Conclave (Jamelia)
Mocking Christianity
Talking To Strangers III - Beautiful
Since You Ask Me - Deaduncle Hall (Throwing doughnuts to the wolves)

Episode Five

Dancing Lessons
Schmoogle
Song - Serving Suggestion (Put it on a plate)
Lawry's Bit I
Mulligan's Donkey Sanctuary
Lawry's Bit II
Middle Age
Ranjit
Lawry's Bit III
Since You Ask Me - Denouement Parlour

Episode Six

Train Delay I
Nice Cop Nasty Cop
Other Offences
Song - Cerberus
Other Interests
Train Delay II
The Most Self-Indulgent Sketch in the World
Since You Ask Me - Robot Queen Victoria


SERIES SIX



Episode One - Christmas Special

John Mulligan's Advert
Good King Wenceslas
Exit Polls I
Runner Up (Holly and Ivy)
Song - December 27th
Exit Polls II
Baby's First Christmas
Eyewitness (Night Before Christmas)
Father Ramadan
Exit Polls III
Since You Ask Me - Nativity

Episode Two

Kissing Protocol
Phone Number (0-7-7-3482293.....5)
Evil Voices (Save the Children)
Just What I Wanted (Grail)
Self-Driving Cars
Stand Up - Bright Ideas
Waterloo Reenactment
Best Child

Episode Three

Parrot Fashion
Bad Copper
One Hit Wonder (Pachelbel)
Shirts
Sorting Depot (Teeth)
The Thing About Me
Behind Closed Doors - Bouncy Castle
The Arrest
Song - Loose Canon
Since You Ask Me - Haiku

Episode Four

St. Ives
So-Called Fire Brigade
New Kitchen Floor
Socrates' Worst Idea
Eulogy For a Man in the Right
President's Two Speeches
House on Fire
The Archers Accidentally IV
Since You Ask Me - Proposal

Episode Five

David Starkey
Tufty (Wolverine)
Open Letters
Designing the Snake
What's He Like?
But a Man
Behind Closed Doors - Ferry
King James
Song - Truckstops
Since You Ask Me - Fortune Teller

Episode Six

Is There a Doctor on Board?
Pet Tips I
You'll Set Me Off
Pet Tips II - Tortoises
Which of These Cats Is Bigger Than The Other One?
Pet Tips III - Cats
Celeriac Awareness
Pet Tips IV - Stick Insects
Guest Spots
Missed Connections
Since You Ask Me - The Musical

SERIES SEVEN



Episode One

Getting Feedback (Freud)
The Death of Nelson
Past Lives
Starting a New Baby
Kim's Poem
Interview Sketch - Gnu
Song - Stop Saying Gnus
Stand Up - Clickbait
The Woods (Not a picnic)
Since You Ask Me - Biscuits

Episode Two

Otter Sanctuary
Crime Scene (Single live butterfly)
Interview Sketch - Authentic Shakespeare Company
Mulligan's Auto-Citer
Wedding Venue (Magic organ)
How She'll Be Coming (When she comes)
Not My Turn
Spooktacular
Since You Ask Me - The Mission

Episode Three

Huge Favour
Have We Met?
Acceptance Speech
Bucket List
Bwoorp
The Wisdom of Uncle Matt
Interview Sketch - Owl
MacDuff
Research Help (Winchester)
Ninth Labour
Arse-Covering Meta Sketch
Since You Ask Me - Fight

Episode Four

Bet You I Crash It
New Player Tutorial
The Godivas
Song - Moral Maze
Interview Sketch - Mayfly
Planning to Meet Up
Stand Up - Taps
Johnson and Boswell
Since You Ask Me - Western

Episode Five

Caesar's Last Words
Voice In My Head - Carcassonne
Animal Designers Crisis
Grains of Rice
Interview Sketch - Centaur
George and the Dragon
Animals and Kings
Sunset
Leaving a Funeral
De-sensitised Crows
One Question Time to the Tune of Another
Since You Ask Me - Card Trick

Episode Six

The Plan
Sponsored Leopard
The Weather
Song - The Terrible Leaving Do of 2017
Memory Technique
A Cake in the Shape of a Cake
Interview Sketch - Linguist
JFSP Accidentally
Since You Ask Me - The Heist