Friday, 6 December 2013

Incredibly grumpy giant wombats - a spotter's guide.

So anyway, apparently there was once a type of wombat the size of a hippopotamus. Which is good news, surely. It was called the diprotodon (though it didn't know that at the time) and it lived in Australia, (though it didn't know that either), during the Pleistocene era (though it didn't… you get the idea).

Unlike more elusive Australian fauna, such as the Bunyip and the Dropbear, we have actual fossil records of the diprotodon, and so we know what it looked like - at least on the inside. As with dinosaurs, artists providing impressions of what it looked like on the outside differ about things like type and colour of coat, shape of nose, etc. But on one thing every artist who's ever drawn a diprotodon agrees. It was massively pissed off.

'Oh yeah? You got a remark to make about the nose? Then let's hear it, wise guy. Give it your best shot.'

'I swear, if that's those kids next door fooling around again, I'll...'

'Why did she leave me? Why? Is it because I'm a giant wombat? But SHE'S a giant wombat! We're ALL giant wombats!'

Well, ok. Maybe not EVERY artist...

'Guys! So glad you could make it! Come through! Coats on the left, drinks on the right...'

(NB. I do not have the rights to any of these illustrations. I'm very happy to credit or remove them on request.)


Sweet Camden Lass said...

It's a good thing I'm working from home. Meant I could wipe the monitor discretely after my coffee splurted everywhere...

Clairealice said...

Am I the only one who wants to give the third one a big hug, it's like a prehistoric Eeyore.

Ruth said...

Misread "wombat" as "womble". Really wish that there were actually giant, prehistoric wombles.

Casey said...

I'm giggling like a maniac and now m co-workers think I'm insane. Thanks for the laugh :)

Anonymous said...

These are truly heroic animals and deserve to be the subject of epic poetry. Although not a great deal rhymes with wombat, as Dante Gabriel Rossetti found out when he tried to write a poem about his pet wombat.

The Kitchen Cynic said...

There are two things that make wombats brilliant.

1) Their weapon is a particularly bony backside. It can only be deployed if, having retreated down a convenient burrow, the predator follows them down it and attempts to bite them on the bum. Thereupon, the wombat crushes its skull between its bony bum and the burrow roof. This particularly passive weapon is very karmic.
2) Their poo is, uniquely, cubic.

Anonymous said...

So you're bored, too? I wish I could turn boredom into something as enlightening as this. Thank you!

slepkane said...

That's exactly what I thought, Clairealice.
My captcha is "floating mignet", in a floaty font.

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh so much! Thank you for your sense of humour, gets me and my family through the day!

Roxanne said...

It's because the wombat wishes he was a dinosaur ... everyone goes through that stage at some point in their lives ... the sensible ones never grow out of it ...

alice said...

Oh, this made me laugh. I'm glad you ended on an up note with the extremely happy giant wombat.

Anonymous said...

Why haven't you been on QI yet?! =)

Anonymous said...

The Kitchen Cynic makes a good point. Google wombat's poo. It's unimaginably exotic.

There's a plague of them here. They're about to bring down two sheds. Pests. But their poo is still hilarious. They leave it displayed on the top of logs and rocks as if they're so proud of being able to do square poo.

Anonymous said...

I'd be grumpy, too, if my nose looks like that.

Want a brownie?

Samantha said...

Somebody saw the illustration of the happy wombat and thought his teeth would make a great new shape for pasta, and penne was born.

Trina Dubya said...

I agree with Clairealice; the third one looks like Eeyore.

Your caption for the last wombat made me think of Arthur.

Thanks for the giggle!

Carla said...

I can't decide if the joyous wombat would be nasally or not. . . Either way, that is the most jovial face I've seen to date, in either man or wombat. *nods* :D

Kelsey said...

Is it me or does the first picture look more like a man in a wombat suit than an real wombat? I'm suspicious...

huppy2013 said...

I'm a Gnu - hearty beast

Anonymous said...

It's amazing how much those wombats match up with Carolyn, Douglas, Martin, and Arthur.

Julian said...

I can't help hearing them speaking with Droopy's voice...

Tasmanian said...

My parents kept a wombat for a while. "Extremely pissed off" is an accurate idea of the default state of a wombat.

Sadly it grew up and left home - one week before I came to visit - so I never met her. I did get to see the hole in my brother's bedroom wall, where she attempted to Dig To Victory after getting trapped inside the room.

Sarah said...

The wombat poo on Wikipedia - yes it is cubic and has corners! - looks like panini that's been baked too long.

Sarah said...

The four of them together looks like giant wombat versions of MJN.

1- Douglas
2- Carolyn
3- Martin
4- Arthur

Also, there totally IS fossil evidence of drop bears! Next time you're bored and near a computer, look up "Thylacoleo carnifex" (Giant carnivorous koala relative that lived in a tree and ambushed its prey from above. The only thing that's not known is whether they could be repelled using Vegemite behind the ears.)

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Unknown said...

redscharlach - the Goodies once did a thing about Cockney rhyming slaang, in which the CRS for everything defaulted to "apples and..."
Hence, "apples and wombat" is the Cockney rhyming slang for "combat".
Hope this helps.

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