Extra July Priory Engagement Dates.

These signs have started appearing all around London:

If that's true, our athletes are in real trouble. I've barely done anything. Sorry, I assumed someone else was training them. 

Anyway, in answer to questions, if you haven't heard whether or not you have tickets to the July recordings of John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme, I'm afraid that probably means you haven't. However, good news! We're doing an extra two John Finnemore's Priory Engagements, on the Wednesday before each recording, the 4th and 11th July. So, why not come along and see that instead? Same cast, similar sketches (plus some extra ones), much smaller audience, and all in a lovely pub. Tickets, as usual, here.

Food Chain

In 1928, a biography of Queen Elizabeth I was published, written by the famous biographer Lytton Strachey.

...who in 1943 was himself the subject of a biography by Max Beerbohm.

...who in 1964 was himself the subject of a biography by David Cecil.

...who in 1990 was himself the subject of a biography by Hannah Cranbourne.

Wouldn't it be nice if Hannah Cranbourne's biography includes a bit where David gets stuck on the bit of his biography of Max in which he gets stuck on the bit of his biography of Lytton in which he gets stuck on his biography of Elizabeth?




Bonus connection: Elizabeth I's childhood home was Hatfield Palace. Her successor James I gave it to Robert Cecil, Elizabeth's chief minister (and an important figure in Strachey's book). His descendants have lived in the remodelled Hatfield House ever since. The current inhabitants are the seventh Marquess of Salisbury and his wife, Lady Salisbury. In 1990, Lady Salisbury was known as... Hannah Cranbourne.

Three Things

Firstly, I'm happy to say tickets for the recording of the second series of John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme have gone up today, and are available from the BBC here.

Secondly, I was on the Now Show this week, doing my best to find something funny to say about the Eurozone Crisis, and not get distracted by smurfs doing star-jumps. The whole show will be on iPlayer until next Friday, but if you miss it, my bit is here:

Thirdly... Alan Sugar is not impressed. 

Luncheon is for softies.

Poster I saw the other day:

Mm. I hate to nitpick, but there is maybe a slight problem with the way you are visezing for your objectif to speak English the way they do on Wall Street...

(And I don't just mean that your Union Jack is upside down. That's the least of your problems with it.)

(How do I know it's upside down? From the fimbriation of the ordinaries, that's how.)

(Oh, and please don't tell me it's the Union Flag if it's not flown from a ship. That's one of those facts that every uncle knows, but  isn't actually true. You definitely don't call it the Union Flag at sea, but both terms are acceptable on land, and personally I like 'Union Jack'.)

(In the brackets above, I initially wrote 'That's one of those facts that every uncle knows, but if you said it on QI, the klaxon would go off.' But then I checked, and annoyingly someone did say it on QI, and the klaxon didn't go off. But it should have done.)

(That's a lot of clarifications. Maybe I don't hate to nitpick after all.)

Three Other Things

Firstly, Cabin Pressure Series III is being repeated on Radio 4 at 6:30 on Tuesdays, starting tomorrow, with Qikiqtarjuaq. Please have your egg-whisks and pogo-sticks at the ready.

Secondly, I'm very happy to say all three series of Cabin Pressure are being released on CD this year, at the beginning of July, August, and September. You can pre-order them here:

Cabin Pressure Series 1

Cabin Pressure Series 2

Cabin Pressure Series 3

Also, it's looking hopeful that I may get the chance to mess around a bit on the inside cover. No promises, but if you have any suggestions for things you'd like to see, feel free to put them in the comments. There's not much room, so they'll have to be quite small things. I'm thinking along the lines of Carolyn's to do list, Douglas and Martin's cheese-board tally, or Arthur's favourite bear facts...

Thirdly, I was in a bookshop the other day, and saw these two books side by side. Though they're both huge sellers, I wonder if there is anyone in the world who has read them both...

Three things.

Firstly: The BBC are repeating series two of Cabin Pressure. So, they'll be available on iPlayer again for a bit, starting with episode one, Helsinki.

Secondly: As sort of half announced earlier, I am doing three more John Finnemore's Priory Engagements; the semi-secret (as in, only announced on this blog) try-outs in a lovely pub in Kilburn of new material for the second series of my sketch show. The  first is this very Sunday, and then there are two more in May. Tickets are available here.

Thirdly: Sometimes I worry that my alarm clock is disappointed in me. 

Yellow Car - the full rules.

I've been getting a lot of questions recently, especially on Twitter, about the precise rules and regulations of the game Yellow Car, as played in the Ottery St Mary episode of Cabin Pressure. Just how yellow does a car have to be, people ask. Can you get extra points for spotting yellow cars in convoy? And most frequently of all, do yellow taxis count? 

The thing is, though, I'm not really a great player of Yellow Car myself. I don't know what it was- maybe I didn't start young enough, maybe I just don't have a natural aptitude for the great game; but somehow I never caught the Yellow Car bug. Luckily, however, I know a man who did. So here, for future reference, are the complete and unexpurgated rules for playing Yellow Car. You're welcome. 

Everything Must Go!!!

That's right!! It's ALL for SALE! Hurry hurry hurry, because these bargains won't be around for long! Avoid that soulless clinical look with our pre-stained and pre-broken whiteboards! Teach your child about depression with Princess Teardrop's Grey Castle of Sadness! Beat the rush by getting your Christmas tree in April - now available in fashionable brown! Or why not simply let Lady Luck into your life with one of our Plastic Bags O' Mystery! Contents guaranteed to be surprising! (Terms and conditions apply. Surprises may be upsetting or horrifying as well as nice. By taking ownership of a Bag O' Mystery, you are also liable for any crimes they may contain evidence of)

I don't blame it.

Update - tickets for the next three Priory Engagements now available on the doodle list



Sorry for the silence - busy times. Thank you if you came to the try-out last week, it was lovely to see you. As it will be if you're coming to the try-out tomorrow. As before, do please take yourself off the doodle list if you find you can't come after all, so that someone else can in your place. Although I have also just added ten extra tickets, so if you wanted to come but thought you were too late... you're not. In other news, I was on the Now Show today, which'll be on iPlayer for a week; and will be on two episodes of the next series of The Unbelievable Truth.

Anyway. There are many, many things the Vatican and I disagree on, which I'm sure must be a source of great sadness to them. So, it was a pleasure this week to discover that there is at least one issue on which the Vatican and I are in total and cordial agreement.

Grrr. Vrroom.

If Friday is dragging, here's a little game.  Pretend you're an eight year old boy who's just been told he can change his name to anything he likes. Think of the coolest, manliest, most ludicrously macho name you can possibly imagine. Got it? Well, whatever you've come up with, I believe I know of an Italian conductor from 1911 who can outdo you.

Mostly Admin

Just to say, the tickets for the first three John Finnemore's Priory Engagement have now sold out. I have downloaded the names and emails on the Doodle list as it stands at the moment - if your name is on the list, your ticket will be reserved at the door until 7:45 on the day or days you ticked; and can be paid for on the door.  

If between now and then you find you can't come, that's fine; but could you take your name off the Doodle list, so that someone else can come in your place. However, to guard against someone simply removing a name to free up a space (though I know perfectly well that no-one reading this would dream of doing a mean thing like that) could you also please drop a line - no explanation needed, it can just be as simple as 'not coming on the 18th' - to the following email address: the last two words of the show, the ones with the initials P.E., all one word, @hotmail.co.uk; using the email address you gave when you put your name down. Thanks.

There will be more shows in the run - if this experiment works, I'll put them up on Doodle in the same way in a week or two. If it doesn't, we'll just have to go back to rotten old booking fees. But I bet it will. 

And now, as a poor reward for wading through that dull wodge of information that statistically is very unlikely to be relevant to you, an advert on the tube which made me laugh.

Not even this one! And this one's in a pond! 

Anyway, here's a drawing of Andrew Marr

Click to enbiggerate

John Finnemore's Priory Engagement

Well, spring is in the air, the snowdrops are gambolling in the meadows, the lambs are thrusting their little noses up through the earth, and the rabbits... I don't know what the rabbits are doing. Something springish. Cleaning, maybe. Anyway, what all this means for me is that it's about time I organised another run of my sort-of-secret-unless-you-read-this-blog sketch nights, to try out material for the next series of my Radio 4 show, John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme.

So... I have done. Unfortunately, the pub we used last year has turned its performance space into a restaurant, the food-crazed fools; but I've found another I think will be even better: the excellent Priory Tavern in Kilburn. So, do please come along, if you fancy it, to John Finnemore's Priory Engagement;  8pm every other Sunday starting in two weeks time, on the 18th March. Each show will be completely different material, mostly written in the fortnight before. It'll be about an hour and a half long, including interval, costs £7, and is suitable for ages 12 and up. Last year's run featured Jekyll and Hyde's domestic arrangements; what The Archers sounds like to people who don't listen to The Archers, and the chilling tale of the man who went for a walk... and saw a goat. What this year's will feature, I literally do not yet know.

As an experiment to try to avoid people having to pay the ridiculous booking fees which were such a feature last year,  I've put a list up here you can go to to book seats for the first three performances. There are only 80 seats per show, so do please take your name off again if it turns out you can't come.

Right! I suppose I'd better go and write the first one, then...

Transport of delight.

I was on a bus the other day, and I can't explain it, but some sixth sense gave me an overwhelming feeling that two of my fellow passengers had just fallen in love.

Oh, and I just thought I'd mention that voting for the Chortle Awards closes in 24 hours, at noon on Friday. Just in case you wanted to vote for anyone. Anyone at all.

Three people I sat near this week.

Click to embiggen.

(Personal note for people who know my friend Greg: the third guy is not my friend Greg. He's an Australian barman who must absolutely play my friend Greg if (when) Hollywood make a movie of the My Friend Greg Story. I have no idea if he can act. Nor do I care.)

Also, I'm on the Now Show again today - 12.30 on Radio 4,  and iPlayer for a week thereafter - trying to work out whether sanctimonious atheists or mock-persecuted Christians are more irritating. It's basically a draw.

Too much of a mediocre thing.

I came across an excellent book the other day. It was called 'What Will I Do With All Those Courgettes?' That's what I call a title. Straight away, the author has asked a question that demands to be answered. The potential reader may try to move on to read the spines of other books on the shelf, but a part of him or her will be unable to stop thinking. 'Yes... but what will she do with all those courgettes?

That's what happened to me, so I took the book down from the shelf. The front cover was... everything I could have hoped for.

So, I had a look in the book, so that I'll be fore-warned and fore-armed if - when -  the courgettes come for me.

Now, perhaps you, like me, have at this point assumed that this is an eye-catching title for a book of recipes  about dealing with all sorts of seasonal gluts. Courgettes, certainly, but also blackberries, tomatoes, apples...  After all, this was a proper book-sized book - about 200 pages - it could hardly ALL be courgette recipes, could it?

Oh yes. It could.

Though that's not to say the author didn't have to, er, stretch a little at times. Here are some of my favourites:

I like the note about it being possible to use other vegetables in place of 'the ones mentioned' (SPOILER: courgettes.) So, basically, this courgette omelette recipe boils down to 'Make an omelette. Put courgettes in it. (You don't have to put courgettes in it.)' And from there it's only a short step to...

So, that's 'Pizza-with-anything', featuring as the primary ingredient 'basic pizza shell'. 

1) Buy a pizza. 2) Put stuff on it. 3) Yeah, including courgettes. If you must. 

But the piece de resistance is surely...

...you know, I think they will. I think by the time you are rendered so desperate by the unstoppable influx of courgettes that you're reduced to sticking them in a chocolate cake, your friends will be pretty damn familiar with your 'secret ingredient'. Also, you won't have any friends. You'll be the weird courgette lady. Kids will throw stones at your house. And you will throw courgettes at the kids. 

1 thing I drew this week - Thing One

Occasional drawing posts are for life, not just for advent. So here, have a Dame Maggie Smith.

Why don't you get yourself a little trophy?

More good news - there is to be a second series of John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme! We don't know precisely when yet; but we do know that there will be six episodes this time round. Which means that, along with series four of Cabin Pressure, I now have twelve half hours of radio comedy to write. Gulp.

Also, the lovely people at the British Comedy Guide Awards have voted C.P. best radio sitcom of 2011, and J.F's S.P. best radio sketch-show. Thank you, them!

Filthy lucre.

No, it's fine, really. If anything, I'm glad it's out of service...

Shameless self-publicity. (Warning- may contain traces of shame.)

Two quick bits of news: firstly, I was on The Unbelievable Truth earlier this week, mostly lying about crocodiles. I am very proud of my triumphant final score of No Points. What a magnificent achievement! Mind you, it wasn't easy to concentrate with all the wounded, terrified quail flapping about the theatre.

Anyway, that should still be on the iPlayer for a bit; and then I did another one which will go out in three weeks' time. And in between, I'm on the News Quiz next week. So, good news for people who enjoy my half-baked opinions, or my fully baked lies about pasta. Mmmmm. Pasta bake.

The other piece of news is that Cabin Pressure has been nominated for an audio drama award for best comedy. So, that's nice.