Of course, tap water actually DE-hydrates you.

According to its label, the bottle of water I've just finished was no ordinary bottle of water. Oh no. It's 'One Litre of Pure Hydration'! Wow. You mean to tell me that every drop I drank of this water has added water to my body? That the water was, in fact, entirely made of water? What a miraculous age we live in. Now excuse me, I'm just off to eat One Banana of Pure Fruit.

Finland, Finland, Finland; the country where I quite want to be...

The BBC website is running a quiz where you listen to a World Cup chant and guess the country. Once you've guessed, they provide the translation: for instance, for Croatia, the touching ballard 'Call, just call, all your sokolovi, they would give their life for you.' This gave me an idea for a quiz of my own. Here are twelve World Cup chants. Which ones are genuine translations, at least according to the BBC, and which have I made up out of my head? Answers in the comments section. Let me know how well you did.

(Oh, you can play this and then the BBC quiz without spoiling it, but not the other way round. So do this one first.)


BRAZIL
R. R. R. R. We could beat you just with our players beginning with R.

CZECH REPUBLIC
Czech Republic is the winner in the championship because the Czechs are the best in the world. It's very beautiful and it has good people.

GERMANY
'54, '74, '90, 2006. We will sing together and with our hearts in our hands and the passion in our knees we will be the world champions

GHANA
Ghana, Ghana. Thanks to him, thanks to him, let's give thanks to God because this ground he has loved and he does forever and his mercies are bountiful.

IRAN
The football team of Iran with their cool players, we will win the game and we would die for Iran in this situation.

ITALY
There are very little silver fish all over the pitch, very little silver fish, very little silver fish. There are very little silver fish all over the pitch, and we know who released them.

MEXICO
Aye, aye, aye. Sing and don't cry because singing gives a happy heart. Sing don't cry.

NETHERLANDS
Netherlands, Netherlands, you are the champions. We all love orange because of your achievements.

TOGO
We won’t win the cup! We won’t win the cup! We won’t win the cup, but we’re happy to be here, and we’re having a joyful time!

SAUDI ARABIA
Win the championship, or don't come home; win the cup or cease to call yourself Saudis.

SERBIA AND MONTENEGRO
The best striker in the world – he is from Serbia. The best centre-forward in the world – he is from Montenegro. How happy we are that they are brought together.

USA
USA. USA. Let’s go score some goals today.

Lesson Six: How to punch a stream.

Oh dear. A month seems to have gone by. It would seem I am a bit of a slacker. Let's see if I can pull myself together and do this a bit more regularly, shall we?

I saw two signs yesterday that made me worry about Men. As a breed. The first was in the window of Topshop, and announced that all or some of the money raised by something or other (meticulous research- that's the secret of good writing) would go to funding research into male cancer. Male cancer? Prostate cancer, I've heard of. Testicular cancer also. Doubtless there are other male-only cancers I haven't heard of - cancer of the beard, perhaps. Cancer of the bald-spot. Cancer of the Black and Decker Workmate. But what on earth is male cancer? Cancer of the man?

The second sign was in the gym, and it advertised a new class, under the cheery banner 'Sorry Ladies - Men Only'. And that class was... Aqua Combat. Yes. That's right, ladies, when the water comes to get us - and it will- you delightful creatures can just stand on a table and scream. We men will fight it back for you. With our deadly aqua combat skills.