Why geese are such filthy liars.

In John's gospel (not this one, the other one), the thing that finally clinches it for Pilate that Jesus is a stand-up guy after all is his answer to the question 'What is Truth?' But we never get to hear what that answer is. It's very much like when Bill Murray whispers to Scarlett Johannsen at the end of 'Lost in Translation'.

So, not having the opportunity to ask either Jesus Christ or Bill Murray, I thought I'd try that modern oracle, 20Q.net. 20Q favours the Socratic method of teaching, and here's what the two of us worked out together. 

Truth is that which is neither animal, mineral nor vegetable; cannot be washed; does not bear live young; is not colourful; is not an omnivore; does not come in a pack; can sometimes be found in a classroom; does not weigh more than a duck; can sometimes be sold for money; is sometimes used by a basketball player; is sometimes worth a lot of money; can sometimes be heard; was used over 100 years ago; is sometimes annoying; is sometimes dangerous; can help you find your way; is something about which John Finnemore knows some songs; and is not mathematics, science, physics or a lie.

Shame it didn't ask the last one first, really. Or perhaps: 'Can it be handled by Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee?'

You'll notice that that took more than twenty questions. This is something that 20Q blames on its previous players, and, I know I'm partisan, but I agree. They do seem generally to be a rather Polly-Annaish, naive bunch, who believe the truth is never dangerous; never annoying; cannot be sold for money and is always to be found in a classroom – and yet with seemingly erratic pockets of hard-bitten cynicism, such as when they bitterly snarl that Truth is never used by a basketball player.

One thing we can all agree on, though – Truth is never heavier than a duck.