Thursday 28 September 2006

It could have been worse, I suppose. It could have been a wreath.

God, that was unnerving.

Today is my birthday. And as I go to check something on Google, this is what confronts me:

How creepy is that? It's the internet equivalent of waking up to find a polaroid of yourself asleep pinned to the headboard. Have I ever given Google my birthdate? I don't think so. Surely I haven't. But maybe Google know everything about all of us. What am I saying- of course Google know everything about all of us. What's sinister is that now, apparently, they're not afraid to show it.

'Hey. You. Happy Birthday. Yeah, that's right, we know your birthday. And your address, your passwords, your pin number, your credit rating, and what you did last summer. So, enjoy the cake, punk. And watch yourself.'

(Either that, or this is Google's birthday too. I know which I believe.)

Sunday 24 September 2006

One just for the Londoners.

I'm thinking of marketing a new line of T-shirts, for wear in central London.

Who wants one?

Saturday 23 September 2006

Simple safety precautions.

Large sign I saw today in a works site in Smithfield market:

Our Number One rule: we don't hurt people who work on our site.
We need your help to make this happen.

Suggested graffitti to go underneath it:

So please stop being so f***ing annoying!

Thursday 21 September 2006

A correction

Re. my suggested names for poodle cross-breeds a couple of posts down.

I am reliably informed that shih-tzu and poodle crosses are in fact common, and are known not as shih-tzoodles, but as shih-poos. Similarly a cross between a cocker spaniel and a poodle is known as a cockerpoo.

I should therefore like to take this opportunity to retract my foolish and faecetious suggestion that there should be a dog called a King Choodle's spoodle. It should of course be a King Charles's poo.

Thursday 14 September 2006

An even more than usually self-indulgent post. Sorry.

This is a link to a column from The Onion. Not one of their best, actually. But...

...doesn't that guy look like my brother? I mean, I don't have a brother. But if I did... he would look like this guy. It's a bit disturbing.

Also, the fake name they've given him rhymes with the name of a friend of mine. They're definitely mocking me.

Tune in next week, to hear me explain how George Alagiah is giving me secret messages through the news headlines.

Tuesday 12 September 2006

Now available for your office wall.

Saturday 9 September 2006

Other poodle crossbreeds I'd like to see, following the success of the Labradoodle.

  • The Weimaroodle.
  • The Rottwoodle.
  • The Shih Tzoohdle.
  • The Great Doodle.
  • The Chihoodlehoodle.
And, most of all:
  • The King Choodle's Spoodle.

Thursday 7 September 2006

A second Pooter

So, yesterday morning I had a nice hot bath. I know, thrilling already, isn't it? Then I dried off, stumped back into my room, glanced at the mirror... and saw to my horror my cheeks and forehead were covered in little thread-like broken capilleries. Bright scarlet ones, too, clearly leaking vital arterial blood straight into my skin. Well, I've seen enough episodes of 'House' to know what this was all about. Any moment now the camera was going to zoom up my nose to show the massive brain haemhorrage I was undergoing, then I'd slump comatose to the floor, then there'd be the opening credits...

Oh. Unless of course the little thread-like broken capillaries were actually not so much thread-like as... threads. From the brand new bright red towel I bought yesterday. With which I'd just dried my scratchy, bearded face. Ah.

It looks like I'm going to pull through.

Sunday 3 September 2006

And now on Forget What Did, a choice of listening.

For people who are fans of hearing people whose weblogs they occasionally read guesting on Radio 4 sketch shows, there's this:

(I pop up throughout, but my main bit's at 16.20)

For everyone else, there's this:

(Make sure you watch till the end, with the sound on.)